August 10, 2016
When I was little I used to get this feeling I couldn't articulate, you know, cuz I was little...Anyway, I'd get this 'feeling' and it was all I could do to not curl up in the fetal position drooling on my desk in kindergarten, and really for years after. How would I describe this now? Imagine space/time exists in an overwhelming throbbing rhythm, a down-tempo, and every sound you hear, and movement you make or see is trying to sync up with it, buzzing through your skull and limbs like time breaking, and solid things should not exist, tables and chairs, the ground; I should pass through them all.
This started to happen again a few minutes ago... It still happens some times, but now-days I can sort of will it away. It's--uncomfortable to say the least, and seems to only ever want to happen in public places, which is really the potential problem. As a kid though, I could not make it go away by willing it, and instead, would just have to wait.
Another thing then and now--is emotion. Sometimes it takes an unidentifiable form, not sad, not happy, not frustrated or angry, but equally intense, maybe more so. I don't know where I'm going with this. I suppose I needed a sec to collect. There's a pretty white dog near me. I want to pet it. End thought.
^^ song I just made up 07/19/2016
Everything's been suffocating, and largely it seems like it's about more than I am even capable of saying. There's too many layers and my heart feels like it's being squeezed. Confusion, yes; overly focused on the self, yes, but it's more than that. I'm tired all the time and... I don't wanna die or anything--well maybe I do, I don't know--but mostly I just want a do-over, and i know I can't have that. Even if i had a do-over, the person I ended up being in the end would be left up to chance, and societal molds and biology. It's just that--I legitimately can't stand myself anymore, and it truly feels like it's only getting worse. I can't seem to do anything about it either. And any other pressures paired with that realization just feel like more than I can take, and then I think "Oh my gawd, white people problems" and then I feel worse. It's like I'm digging myself a fucking hole.
I do try to make the changes I need, to be kinder to myself, to reflect on how I interact with others, but it feels so fucking narrow and I feel like others just don't see what I see when I look at myself. When I was little and I'd get sick I was always made to feel like it was in my head or it was my fault somehow, (Christian Science upbringing) But even now it feels like this is still going on perpetually. And I feel like I have to scream to be taken seriously, but then I just look like a psychotic pile of walking privilege.
July 11th, 2016
Sometimes, like now, i start to remember what my musical--for lack of a better word--"style" is, and where it comes from. I remember what I like, and what I want to convey, and what is fairly unique about it. It resides in certain history, a certain story. It resides in the music I've been exposed to that was NOT packaged or pressed, or released and marketed. It wasn't easily accessible. It was played mostly by people I knew, people--who lived apart from the others. People who would never be picked up by a label or be found singing in an upscale club, because #1)it would never even occur to to them to market themselves in that way, and 2) even if it did, no prosperous business would let them in the door, at least...not without immediately deciding these people were far to strange to predict. And generally they would have been correct. I am not one of these fringe people, and I do not envy their position in the social food chain. Approval is far to important to me unfortunately. I do identify with them for some reason. Always have... feeling like an outcast and all. I don't know how accurate that label would be for someone like me, but I've always gravitated toward these sorts of people for whatever reason, probably for more reasons than I can feasibly calculate.
The following is worth the listen.
July 11th 2016.
The internet... so this is sort of an ironic topic considering the medium I guess, but I was listening to an interview a couple years back with Sascha Altman DuBrul, one of the Co-founders of the Icarus Project, a peer-run mental health community focused on reshaping how people view mental illness. He told a story about a specific mental break he'd gone through years ago, back in the 1980's I think. He said he'd believed that the world was ending, and that he was being broadcast live on something that was sort of like television, in effect he was going to be living on digitally after the world ended. Anyway he said that years later, with the onset of the internet in people's homes, and when myspace and facebook came out, it freaked him out being so much like what he referred to as his "visions".
So yeah, the internet... I don't really remember where I was going with this, I guess it just feels weird when I really think about the reality of it. There's this other world that we're all just wirelessly wired into. The further I go with this thought the more cliche' I feel so, yeah, I'm just gonna stop.
It's the 4th of July, 2016 and I'm stewing over something I did that was really bad, and wondering if I've become who I am today because of modern social media. Because of me too obviously. I'm not trying to alleviate responsibility. I just wonder if the whole immediate faceless gratification shit has been warping my mind and creating a me that lacks accountability. I think I just want to feel like I have the power to change and be better. Anyway... I know that's vague but I'd rather not get into particulars. In other news... My old friend Erick Recher is coming to town to record some of my songs. We used to be in this band called "Misled" years ago, so if all goes according to plan we will have a new Project out under that name in the somewhat near future w/ Erick as the recording engineer and on drums, our old bassist Jeff Peirce will also be playing with us too, so it's like a full reunion so-to-speak. :)